I Like Turtles!

Good days turn bad;

bad days get better. 

Also are days

light as a feather.

Then comes the days

when nothing goes right.

The good you do

is pushed out of sight.

In those bad times

you just aren't enough.

Life kicks you hard.

"Why aren't I more tough?"

Here is that day!

I sit all alone.

No one to call.

My happiness flown.

Few understand

and even less care.

And why should they?

They have far less wear!

~ Leland Spindler

Who Does That?

I am constantly bewildered and shocked at things I see and hear on a regular basis. There are days I come home in complete hysterics at the funny happenings of my life. There are days I come home a bit shattered as I realized our future is in the hands of some very... stupid people. Its amazing what you can see and hear if you're just a little observant. People have so little shame. I hear and see things that are absolutely hysterical, some that are a bit dreadful, and others are simply horrific. Allow me to give my thoughts on just a few of the things that have entered my peripheral in these last couple of months.

Are You a Coward?

The world has changed. It is definitely not the same place it was when I was young. And that's nothing compared to the changes that have happened since my parents were kids. Can you imagine how much it has changed since when our grandparents were kids? Good gracious! There are both positive and negative changes: the civil rights movement, the abortion movement, the internet, smart phones, Facebook, Facetime, Skype, cell phones, computers, game systems, gay marriage equality movement, etc etc etc. The world has become so much smaller in so many ways, and yet in other ways it is more distant than ever. Despite having more ways than ever to connect to people, we have become more and more disconnected from each other. One of the side effects of this disconnection is a flare in cowardice. Allow me to explain.

The Final Good-bye

Having a relationship end between two people is such a fascinating roller coaster of emotions. The thoughts and feelings that go through a person's head and heart are complex, confusing, bewildering, heart wrenching, dramatic, traumatic, fierce, numbing, and extremely powerful. This past year, as I have discussed the breakups of several of my close friends--as I have counseled and cried with them--I have found a common thread: how could I ever do better? How could I possibly find someone who loved me as much? The question eats at the core of a person. It causes such pain for weeks and months after the relationship ends. So, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts and insights.

The Hunger Games Easter Egg Hunt

This year in lieu of seeing my family and doing the normal holiday traditions, I had a different journey. It was exciting in its own ways, but that's neither here nor there. One of the most fun things we did this Easter was the first annual Hunger Games Easter Egg Hunt. Let me explain the rules, oh and may the odds be ever in your favor.

One Year and Counting

One year ago this week I got my life back. It wasn't an easy task—but I have my life back. So here I am to tell some of my story: I am an "abuse" survivor. You know when people say "abuse," it always makes me think of some terribly sappy Lifetime movie. There is always some kind of context, script, some kind of happy take-home message, and a purpose. That's not my experience; that's not my life.

A Letter from a Student

This week after one of our rehearsals, during the flurry of people exiting and entering the room, I found a letter on the piano that had been left by one of my students upon exiting. At first my heart dropped when I saw it. Had I offended someone, and now was about to learn what I had done? Was I about to receive a chastisement? I don't know why I always jump to those conclusions...haha. Anyway, I decided to share the letter here. Read away :)

The Unconventional Thanksgiving

This year I have had an unconventional thanksgiving; I wasn't able to go home and celebrate with my family, nor  have the traditional meal (I made myself a great huge breakfast for dinner). And so, I want to make an unconditional list of things I'm thankful for. 

Confessions from a Food-aholic

As Thursday afternoon approaches, I can feel my heart clenching tighter and tighter. I sit in my office--working busily on the computer--and can feel the perspiration on my hands getting more and more intense. I slowly close down my computer, get off my aerobic ball on which I'm bouncing, balancing, and eating my string cheese, and head out of my office. I make my way through a maze of hallways and doors and enter a small and vacant room. There is a small circle of chairs, and I take my place. Group therapy is about to begin.

A Journey to the Unknown

Last week was one of the more interesting weeks of my life. It involved the ER, the BYU Police, lock-down units, cattle herding, delusions, homeless people and lots of talks to the bishop. Allow me to explain...

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart's longing

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life's betrayals,

or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,

mine or your own,

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to your own soul;

if you can bear the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul,

if you can be faithless,

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty

even when it is not pretty every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know if you can life with failure,

yours or mine,

and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the sliver of the moon,

"Yes!"

It doesn't interest me 

to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair,

weary and bruised to the bone,

and do what needs to be done

to feel the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand 

in the center of the fire with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep 

in the empty moments.

Summer of Firsts: The Campout

For those of you who know me, I'm not exactly new to camping. I grew up in the scouting program of the Boy Scouts of America; I went to scout camp, got my Eagle Scout Award by the age of 14, went to High Adventure camps and did the works. Throw in the two to three family camping trips we've done ever year since I was 5 and that's a decent amount of camping. But, this was a camping trip unlike any I've been on.

Dear Ottis

Last night I was looking on my husband's phone at pictures of the cat and stuff. He was right next to me. In there I found a picture of underwear and a nice bra from Victoria's Secret. This underwear, which was clearly not my size, was laid out nicely on my living room floor, like it was a trophy - as if he were excited to show this picture to someone. My first instinct was to stand up, call my parents, and have them come get me. But instead, I stood up walked away and took a few breaths. When I came back, he lied and said they were for me. I knew they weren't, and said if he didn't tell me the truth, I would leave. He lied again, and said they were for his ex, but that he returned them without sending them. I continued to stand my ground and say I knew he was lying. I said if he didn't tell me the truth I was going to leave right then. He told me that he had bought it for his ex, because she'd texted him saying the kids needed new pajamas and underwear -- and so did she. He took the picture and sent it to her, as well as the over $100 of underwear in the package. I have to beg for his affection most times. He has bought me flowers once. I'm at a point where I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted that I live with someone who would do that behind my back and then try to lie to me about it. 

Last night, I saw him cry numerous times, saying over and over that he didn't know what is wrong with him. He knows he has problems, and he doesn't know what to do about them. He has depression issues and ADD, and he takes medication for both. I know he didn't mean to hurt me and that he loves me, but at the same time I just keep feeling more and more sad about this. Do you think I should make it work, when I know he is very sorry for this and wants more than anything for me to stay. Or do I take this as the last red flag of many and just get out before it's too late? I'M AT A TOTAL LOSS! I honestly have never felt like this before.

I need your help Ottis,
Cat is out of Victoria's Secret Bag

Kelly Clarkson and Breakups

Has anyone noticed that Kelly Clarkson is like the perfect person to listen to when you go through a break up? She covers everything that you go through, she hits every emotion, and does it with just the right amount of anger and passion. Well, at least for me. So, I thought I'd tell a little story using her music. Hope you enjoy it!

And There Was Light: Songs of Birth and Rebirth

This weekend the BYU Singers and Concert Choir performed together in concert.  The Concert Choir's program focused on songs of the nativity.  These songs are ones that we don't often hear at our Christmas Concerts at BYU because of their difficulty level and the very limited time that we have to prepare for our Celebration of Christmas concert.  If you take the video link all the way to the Youtube website, then you can see a break down of the pieces, with links that take you to the individual pieces in the program.  I hope that you enjoy it.  I am conducting the piece O Magnum Mysterium by Victoria (at about 2:04:38).

BYU Choral Showcase

This week I had the privilege of performing with the BYU choirs once again.  It was the annual BYU Choral Show Case.  This year was slightly different for me however.  I got to conduct one of the numbers.  O Magnum Mysterium.  Here is the whole concert if you want to watch it :).  We are the third group (and I'm conducting the second song.

Summer of Firsts: Lagoon Is Scary

Lagoon and I met this summer.
Although I was really scared, I went in to the park.
Goodness, there is a lot of stuff there.
Overcoming my fear was one of my goals.
Only went on a handful of rides.
Not because we didn't want to, but because time was limited.

I went with Tyson.
Since he got us free tickets, he got to pick the rides we went on.

Spider was probably my favorite of the roller coasters.
Centennial was the most memorable ride I've ever been on in my life :)
All I can say is it was the experience of a lifetime ;)
Rocket is the ride I just couldn't get myself to go on :(
Yes, I would go again!

A Summer of Firsts: Park City

"Live as though you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time."
~Viktor Frankl

I decided to do a little splurge for once.  It was quite an adventure.  I decided I wanted to go to Park City and stay the weekend.  I've been to Park City many times, but only for the day.  Then I would come home and sleep in my own bed.  I had always wanted to experience it at night and so I did.

Summer of Firsts: The Bobopsy.

"Now, you are family. Okay. All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always a lump. Then I started the menopause and the lump got bigger from the hormonees.  It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio...the b...the bios...the b..the bobopsy.  Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal cord.  Yes. Inside the lump was my twin"
~Aunt Voula - My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Summer of Firsts: Massage

"Massage is the manipulating of superficial and deeper layers of muscle and connective tissue using various techniques, to enhance function, aid in the healing process, and promote relaxation and well-being.

"Massage involves working and acting on the body with pressure--structured, unstructured, stationary, or moving--tension, motion, or vibration, done manually or with mechanical aids.  Target tissues may include muscles, tendons, ligaments, fascia, skin, joints, or other connective tissue, as well as lymphatic vessels, or organs of the gastrointestinal system.  massage can be applied with the hands, fingers, elbows, knees, forearms, and the feet.  They are over eighty different recognized massage modalities. The most cited reasons for introducing massage as therapy have been client demand and perceived clinical effectiveness.

"In professional settings massage involves the client being treated while lying on a massage table, sitting in a massage chair, or lying on a mat on the floor.  The massage subject may be fully clothed or unclothed. In the case of the latter, the parts of the body that are not being massaged are usually covered with towels or sheets, but this can depend on the preference of the therapists and the type of work being performed."