Confessions from a Food-aholic

As Thursday afternoon approaches, I can feel my heart clenching tighter and tighter. I sit in my office--working busily on the computer--and can feel the perspiration on my hands getting more and more intense. I slowly close down my computer, get off my aerobic ball on which I'm bouncing, balancing, and eating my string cheese, and head out of my office. I make my way through a maze of hallways and doors and enter a small and vacant room. There is a small circle of chairs, and I take my place. Group therapy is about to begin.

Dear Ottis

Last night I was looking on my husband's phone at pictures of the cat and stuff. He was right next to me. In there I found a picture of underwear and a nice bra from Victoria's Secret. This underwear, which was clearly not my size, was laid out nicely on my living room floor, like it was a trophy - as if he were excited to show this picture to someone. My first instinct was to stand up, call my parents, and have them come get me. But instead, I stood up walked away and took a few breaths. When I came back, he lied and said they were for me. I knew they weren't, and said if he didn't tell me the truth, I would leave. He lied again, and said they were for his ex, but that he returned them without sending them. I continued to stand my ground and say I knew he was lying. I said if he didn't tell me the truth I was going to leave right then. He told me that he had bought it for his ex, because she'd texted him saying the kids needed new pajamas and underwear -- and so did she. He took the picture and sent it to her, as well as the over $100 of underwear in the package. I have to beg for his affection most times. He has bought me flowers once. I'm at a point where I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted that I live with someone who would do that behind my back and then try to lie to me about it. 

Last night, I saw him cry numerous times, saying over and over that he didn't know what is wrong with him. He knows he has problems, and he doesn't know what to do about them. He has depression issues and ADD, and he takes medication for both. I know he didn't mean to hurt me and that he loves me, but at the same time I just keep feeling more and more sad about this. Do you think I should make it work, when I know he is very sorry for this and wants more than anything for me to stay. Or do I take this as the last red flag of many and just get out before it's too late? I'M AT A TOTAL LOSS! I honestly have never felt like this before.

I need your help Ottis,
Cat is out of Victoria's Secret Bag

A Worthwhile Idea?

Hello Readers,
  So, I had this idea but I wanted to get a little input.  I've been trying to think of ways to get more Dear Ottis letters going, and helping more people, and having a little more fun.  I think I might have figured out a way to do it: The Daily Universe.  I could become one of their contributing columnists and have a Dear Ottis letter posted Daily or weekly.  And then maybe we'd get some more people writing in.  What do you think?  Does anyone know the procedure that must be followed to become that type of contributing editor?  Does any one have any contacts I could get a hold of?  Does anyone have any suggests? comments? concerns?  Let me know!  I'm really excited!  haha.
Ottis  

Dear Ottis-

So, I met this way awesome guy a little while ago and we were able to spend a lot of time together to get to know one another; we really enjoyed being around one another and it was obvious to us and everyone around us. There were some barriers that prevented us from being able to date, but we finally decided to go for it anyway and we had a blast together! We knew we would, and so we were laid back around one another and could be completely ourselves. I went home at the end of the semester to visit family and ended up staying a little longer than originally anticipated. We kind of communicated for a little while when I was home, but then I didn't hear from him until I got back and texted him first, simply asking how everything was going. Long story short, he was worried to disrupt things going on back home with me, but he did say he had been wondering how I was. 

After our last date, he said he'd be seeing me soon since we had so much fun together, but now that I'm back, I haven't seen him, and it's been nearly a month and a half. As I said earlier, I contacted him first and we texted back and forth for a couple of days and I finally asked him when I would get the chance to see him again and his answer was quite vague. He merely said, "soon!" 

Perhaps some may view that as still hopeful, but to me, that's the thing you say to someone you don't really want to see. "We'll have to do that someday." You know how it is, those kinds of responses, those empty promises...So anyway, I let a few days go by and never heard from him again, so I just texted seeing how everything was going and he never responded. People get caught up with work and such and forget to respond, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I let a few more days pass on and sent another text asking how he was, but he never responded. 

Now, I decided to give up on the man because I felt I had been giving him the benefit of the doubt quite a bit. He's got a phone, he knows I'm back in town, yet, he's done nothing. However, I discovered the other day that my phone has been having problems and I haven't received texts from some people, so I can't help but wonder if he perhaps tried to text and I never got it? I do hate to give up on something that has so much potential. He was different and I wanted to see where it would lead. I don't want to look back on life and regret letting him "be the one that got away," and I'm confused because we had so much fun together. He made it quite clear he was interested from the very beginning and throughout our time together. Things do happen, I know. Perhaps he's no longer interested? I just don't want to miss out on something that could have been so great, but I don't know if I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt too much? I kind of see it as this: He has a phone. He knows I'm back. If he sent a text and I didn't respond, he could actually dial my number and talk to me. 

He doesn't seem like a phone person, so...? Like I said, this guy is awesome and I really don't want to miss out on something great, but I don't want to come off pathetic and desperate by clinging to something that isn't there, refusing to see the oh, so obvious elephant in the room. Do I need to get over my pride and text once more? Or am I not seeing the facts in front of me and need to move on?

Help me, Ottis Wan-Kenobi. You're my only hope.

--Romantically Retarded

The Hugs

Its been quite some time since I've discussed a flirtation technique on here, but I feel like its about time.  After all, disseminating my immense knowledge of flirtation was part of the purpose of this blog...hahaha.  So, todays topic is one of those interesting ones... the flirtatious hug.  So, I hope that you'll find this info enlightening and useful in your flirtatious endeavors.

4 Horsemen of the Apcocalypse

No, I'm not talking about the end of the world...rather, the end of a relationship.  There are 4 sure ways of knowing when a relationship is going to end.  And these are them.  They are brought to us by relationship/marriage guru John Gottman.  Enjoy!

Dear Ottis-

I've recently begun grad school and am really enjoying my year.  It's been a nice change for me.  I'm in a family ward now and I'm a primary teacher for the 6 and 7 year olds.  Thus, I'm not around a lot of single students anymore.  In conflict to it being a nice change, it also means I'm not moving toward dating or marriage. I realize that's a rather obvious outcome, but I think that I need to change more about myself before just being around singles will work for me (i.e. will end up in me actually dating). I'm realizing that I need to be more active in this area of my life, and it is for that reason that I want to ask you a question. You can be totally honest. As a strong, confident, independent woman, what kind of impression ought I to give to men.  I don't really date much, which doesn't horribly bother me, but sometimes bothers me- have you seen the April Ensign yet? It's about marriage. Anyways, it made me all emotional and I realized that I need to do something. Is there anything off-putting I may do or anything that I should do more of, etc. You are one of the more observant men I know, so I thought I'd ask you. 

I hope all is well,
Confused Grad Student

Dear Ottis-

Normally I don't go for anyone I see at the gym. Ever. They're just not my type. But there's this guy who works there, and I can tell from the way he swipes my card- he's not like the rest of them. He always smiles at me, looks me in the eye and asks how I'm doing- like he knows me! Today he even looked at the computer screen to get my name and said something like "have a good day, *Hottie." (*name has been changed to protect me and the cute gym guy) So. How do I get my flirt on with a guy I see twice a day for 2 seconds?? (usually that second time- on my way out- I am not looking attractive...so I try to just rush out) Help, Ottis! Help! (then again... he could just be a friendly guy. Aghhh!)

Much love,

The Hottie in the Story

Dear The Hottie in the Story,

Thank you for you letter. What a very intriguing story you have here, one unlike any I've received before! I'm very excited to try it out and see what we can come up with. I've done some pondering, and these are the points I've landed on.

The first concern is that he may just be a nice, friendly kind of guy. This is definitely a legitimate concern. He is in the costumer service industry, and thus may just be good at his job. However, we need not forget that we're in Utah, and friendly costumer service have nigh been one of the strengths here. So, thats looking up.

Second, about the flirting part. First off, I'd recommend getting the bulk of your flirting done upon the entrance of your gym time and not at the exit, since you'll be sweaty and such when you leave. As for how to actually flirt with him, you need to figure out a way that you could stay and talk to him for a spell. Maybe you could have some kind of question that you could ask him upon entering. Something quasi-playful and quasi-legit. Then see if you can't strike up a little conversation with him. This is a good time to catch his name (I'd recommend doing a formal introduction thing, instead of just looking at his name badge. . . though, if you think you could pull that off in a very flirty way, go for it). Once you get his name, you should USE IT. . . consistently. When ever you see him as you come in, say it. This will show him that you've taken the time to remember his name. Always a plus. From then on, little conversations, smiles, and winks should get the message across.

Good luck with your flirting. There are many techniques that have been outlined in other Dear Ottis letters that I'd recommend looking at. Or, if you attended any of my seminars, then you should be set. Just remember these three important things: confidence, humor and charisma. Happy Flirting!

Ottis

Exciting News!!!

In the iconic words of Mortal Kombat the movie: "It has begun." Due to the popularity of my presentation of Flirting: A Seminar For Beginners along with the other private flirting consultations and lessons, I have decided to begin writing a book to compliment and remind readers of the techniques and practices taught in those presentations. The book will also introduce a wealth of new information that goes above and beyond the scope of flirting.

The book will cover preparing to flirt all the way through to the engagement or inevitable breakup. We hope to some day have a companion DVD to help illustrate the points made throughout the book, as that would constitute a huge resource to the novice flirter or relationship beginner. Perhaps in the second edition?

*If you're interested in participating in the production of the DVD, feel free to let me know!

Since this manual will be focused primarily on the BYU and Mormonia dating culture, it will also feature a glossary of terms that the outsider might not be fully aware of. This will aid the incoming students who were not raised in the Happy Valley/Jello Belt cultural abyss. Included in the glossary will be words that I constantly use (e.g. Mormonia) which may also need defining.

We're also very excited to announce that this book will feature some new data on dating at BYU. We're in the midst of getting our IRB approval to begin our research. I hope that each of you will take a few minutes to fill out the survey. It will help enormously in shaping the path this book will take. I will also be including several of the Dear Ottis letters that I've received to help illustrate common problems. So, if you have any other dating/flirting questions please feel free to write in. The more the merrier!

Here are the tentative chapters to be discussed in the book.

Chapters:

Foreword: Introduction, Disclaimers and Things to Note

Part One

I. The Basics: Confidence, Humor, Charisma

II. Flirting 101: Introduction to

III. Flirting 102: Preparation

IV. Flirting 201: Across the Room

V. Flirting 202: Close Encounters

VI. First Date Etiquette

VII: Touching 211: The Basics

VIII. How to get a Second Date

IX. Non-committal Dating

X. Frenshman Year Dating

Part Two

I. How to Convert Casual Dating to Serious Relationships

II. The DTR

III. Relationships 321: Understanding Commitment

IV. Relationships 322: Communication

V. Relationships 340: Conduct in Groups

VI. Relationships 341: How to fight Fair

VII. Touching 311: Advanced Techniques

VIII. Dispelling Myths

IX. The Breakup and Post Breakup Dating

X. On to the Engagement

Glossary

Appendix A: Quick Reference for Men

Appendix B: Quick Reference for Women

Feedback is welcome! Thanks!

Political Love Letter

The Following unique letter was written by a Greenfield young man to a young lady in Lockwood. It's a good example of how fun flirtation can be:

My Dear Miss,

I hereby announce myself a candidate for your hand and shall use all fair and honorable means to secure the nomination. I know there are many candidates in the field, and I hesitated long before entering the race, but now I am in it to stay.

My view on love and matrimony have often been stated in your hearing and now I need not repeat them here. You know I favor a gold standard of love--a 100-cent dollar love--and a maintenance of that standard after marriage.

If you decide to confer upon me the honor I seek, please fix a date for a caucus with your mother. I have no objection to her acting as temporary chairman, provided it is clearly understood that I am to be chairman of the permanent organization. Should the result of the caucus prove satisfactory we can soon hold the primaries and select the date and place of holding the convention.

I have never believed in long campaigns so if you decide to honor me I would ask you to fix the convention date as early as possible.

Devotedly Yours.

The following was telegram answered it:

Caucus unnecessary; nomination unanimous. Come at once and fix date of ratification.

Dear Ottis,

I have an important question. I am a member of a minority ethnic group here in Provo. Recently I have noticed a guy who is of similar ethnic origin but has more knowledge of the culture than I do because I was adopted. I went to high school with this guy and now he has returned from his mission and works at the bank I go to. I want to approach him and talk to him but I am too scared to do it. The easy way is to avoid him by going to the teller that I'm familiar with and just avoid talking to him. So should I approach him or not?

Sincerely,

Very Shy

Dear Very Shy,

Thank you very much for writing in. I've enjoyed pondering your question. I think the answer is simple: yes! Go for it!

Now, it seems to me like you're a pretty shy person, though I could be wrong. I have my very shy moments myself. But, I hope you realize that you can take great confidence in yourself as you approach a guy. This is actually an ideal setting, if I do say so. You have this added bonus of a legit reason to go talk to him. Ask him about your shared culture. You can learn a lot about yourself that way, and get close and flirty with a guy all at the same time. And if you can approach that situation with confidence, then that will come off as even more attractive. I know that it can seem like a daunting task, but its one that gets easier with time, practice, and confidence. So, just go up there, and be you.

I hope you have wonderful success in this. Please keep me updated on the situation, and I hope I can offer you more advice in the future! Happy Flirting!!

Ottis

Dear Ottis,

I've just recently split from my boyfriend of 10 months. While there are no hard feelings and we broke up for mutual reasons, I am still very much heartbroken. We would like to continue to be friends but I'm not sure where to draw the line between just friendly hanging-out and people starting to talk behind my back like-- what the heck is she doing? Yknow what I mean?

And then in the midst of all this, how do I pick up flirting again? Personally I'm not crazy about dating people right now but I know that it is probably essential to help me move on... but I can't remember how to flirt! I've got a very strong, opinionated, loud personality and so I've had guys tell me before that I'm intimidating to ask out on dates... this one guy once told me that I come across as a maneater.

Obviously I am in need of some serious help/advice.
Thanks,
Jordan Renee


Dear Jordan Renee,

Thank you very much for you letter. I've spent some time reflecting on it, and I hope that I'll be able to offer some help/advice for you. Let me first begin by saying how sorry I am that you are hurting. Breaking up with someone after a long relationship, no matter how mutual it may have been, is always hard, heart-wrentching and painful. I wish you the best of luck as you move on in your romatic life.

Let me begin by addressing your current situation with you and your ex. Becoming friends after breaking up is one of the most challenging inter-relational challenges there are, in my opinion. The difficulty lies in effectively redefining the relationship between not only the two of you, but also for you in the various circles of friends that you both have. Let me offer a few points of advice on this. One thing of utmost importance is re-establishing rules and boundaries. You've spent ten months being more that friends. Redefining normalacy in friendship can be very hard, but is incredibly necissary. One tactic to help with this is limiting the time you spend together. This helps each of you to move on emotionally. It also helps limit the inevitable "talking behind [your] back" to which you referenced in your letter. The other important thing to do to continue your new friendship is to date other people.

I realize that dating again after a breakup seems daunting. The idea of being close to another guy unfathomable. Believe me, its gonna happen. Go ahead and get your flirt on. Flirting is a natural, subconscious, necissary part of our everyday lives. It really is just playful interatactions between members of the opposite sex, with the intimation of interest. So, go ahead, have fun and be playful, go and date. The more you date, the easier it'll be for you to reconnect with men, and the sooner you'll be able to see yourself getting interested in guys again. And hey, you get free food, movies, ice creat etc out of it...so, what could be better? :)

Regarding your maneater status. I have varied thoughts on the matter. The first thing I'd like to tell you, as that no matter how outspoken, loud, opinionated and crazy you may be...there is a guy out there that can handle it. Not only that, they'll enjoy it every step of the way. Why I don't deny that many men are attracted to a certain submissive attitude, there are many that are not. Confident is always attactive, so take pride in who you are, and don't change for anyone. I heartily believe that the only reasons people should change themselves is for personal growth and intimit spiritual progression. Otherwise, God created you to be happy in who you are. So, embrace that.

Well, this letter has turned into me rambling on. I hope that some of the thoughts that I shared will offer some insight and help in the romantic future that is to come for you. Remember, the right guy is still out there and looking for you. Just live your life with no regrets, and in a manner where you can be worthy of his companionship (and we'll pray he is doing the same). I wish you all the best. Feel free to write back for more advice or for clarifiaction on what I've written here.

Thanks,
Ottis

Dear Ottis,

Let's face it. Most women these days need to be reminded, or taught how to flirt with a man. And you have all the "know how" in that brilliant brain of yours. We are grateful for your willingness to share your knowledge in word, but we want more!

The world is ready for an Ottis flirtation instructional video or at least short lesson segments posted on youtube of this soon to be lost art. What do you think?

Sincerely,

~She who shares her best friends name ;)

Dear She who shares her best friends name,

I most certainly agree with you. Flirtation is becoming a lost art. Its being replaced by texts, facebook pokes, chat rooms and instant messenger. Needless to say, I find this development in our culture to be very distressing. Not only is the art of flirtation being lost, but also the art of meaningful, positive, live, personal interactions. As to the idea of a video, I've most certainly toyed around with this idea several times. And I'm assembling my models. I just need someone to film it. If you would like a few pointers, I will be doing a seminar for my ward in November. All are invited!

Ottis

Dear Ottis,

How long will a guy usually wait to ask you out after date #1?

With much appreciation,
Fork

Dear Fork,

I would tend to say that if he doesn't call you within a week, maximum of two weeks, then he probably won't ask again. It definitely depends on the guy, but that is a good average rule to stick by.

Ottis

Dear Ottis,
I have 5 best friends from my high school days. 1 just started dating her third boyfriend. 2 are dating seriously and 2 are engaged. The only time I have ever been asked on a date was through a text message about a year ago. I go to social events. I talk to men. But I just don't get asked out. So I just want to know, what can I do? I suppose I really just need to know HOW THE HECK DO YOU FLIRT!?!? How do girls get men to ask them out!? Is there some secret that I don't know? What can I do!?

Thank you so much for your help,
Ridiculously Confused

Dear Ridiculously Confused,

Thank you for your letter. This is a rather difficult issue that is not one unique to you. Rather, it is one that many women here at BYU struggle with. I have another letter posted where I outline several things you can do to get into the flirting game. I'd recommend you read it.

In addition to those things, I'd like to tell you a bit about BYU dating culture. I have found that guys here, more so than other universities, need or want to have some clear signs that you're interested before asking you out. This generalization falls slightly short with the freshly returned RM crowd, as they are trying to date as many as they can. But, for the most part, guys want to know that you're gonna be into them before they take the risk. Is that cowardly? Perhaps. That is just the way it is here. Therefore, you really need to become comfortable putting yourself out there, and showing a guy that you're interested. That will possibly help in getting you more dates.

Remember, guys are stupid. They rarely understand when a girl is flirting with them. And women tend to be overly subtle. You can see that this is a disastrous combination. Even I don't always recognize when I'm being flirted with ;). Its a delicate game of give and take.

So, take confidence, and be of good cheer. The more you put yourself out there, the better you're results will be (but don't go crazy, or I will cut you...girl, yes I will). Happy flirting!

Ottis

Dear Mr. Ottis,

Here's an exceptionally broad question: How do you flirt? I mean, really? I've always been rather quiet, but I've finally broken out of my shell over the past few years. I thought I was decent at flirting, but I'm starting to think otherwise since I seem to only be considered the friend and not the "friend." Example no. 1: I'm rather attracted to my lab partner in one of my classes and am curious to see if he's interested. There's a small issue...I don't particularly wish to put myself out there in front of the rest of the class, you know? We work together twice a week in our lab and have a good time joking, teasing...but I don't know if he's interested or not. And I certainly don't want to do something that could potentially be exceptionally embarrassing, especially since we're working together in a small room with about 20 other people for the rest of the semester.

Everyone always suggests, "Do the touch, touch, hold," when referring to hand-holding (which will not happen in the classroom, obviously) or "just flirt and see what he does." Or they suggest other things that I feel are simply not helpful. So...how exactly do you flirt?

Here's something that was said between us yesterday in class:
-background--> I missed 2 consecutive lab days due to illness and idleness and when I returned, he proceeded to tease me about missing class and he thought he'd have to work alone the rest of the semester/hated him, etc, etc...

so every time in class (even though it was only 2 days and it happened about 2 weeks ago...at the beginning of the semester, yes) he jokes, "I didn't think you'd show up for class today!" And today he said that if he didn't see me in class tomorrow (lecture..HUGE class) he'd call me (which I told him would prove to be interesting since he doesn't have my number...).

(Not that that's really anything to write home about, I just thought I'd share so you have an idea of what he's like, in case that helps with anything??) He's a really cool guy and seems pretty outgoing and we certainly have a good time talking in class about random things.

If you haven't figured out yet, I haven't had the best of luck in the whole "dating scene" mainly because I never really gave the guys back home a second look since I was so focused on doing my own thing. That was the case for the last couple of years at college, so now that I'm really allowing myself to get out there and meet people...what the heck do I do?? How do I show a guy (not necessarily my lab partner) I'm interested and how can I tell if he's interested? I don't want to over-analyze things, but I don't want to just brush something off, either. So help me, Ottis-won-Kenobi...you're my only hope!

-Thoroughly Confused Millie

Dear Thoroughly Confused Mille,

Thank you so much for your letter. Indeed, your question is a rather broad one. But, I'd be honored to try my hand at answering it. I have, after all, done a fair amount of research on this very question: How does one flirt? I'm not sure that this is a question that can be fully answered in one letter, but rather something that takes practice and confidence, and small steps.

First and foremost, let me say that flirting is a very natural part of our being. It is in our DNA, and is something that most people do subconsciously. So, honing your flirtation ability is not something to be shy or embarrassed about. Rather, it is a natural part of life. Second, I like to remind people, especially the girls, that men are stupid. Yes, it's true. You may think that you're giving clear signs, but chances are...you're not. This is why confidence is such an important key--you have to have some in order to truly put yourself out there and flirt. Lastly, let me remind you that flirting is merely a fun interaction between members of the opposite sex. It's not worth reading too much into. I'ts simply playful interaction that shows a relative amount of interest. So, how do you do it? Let me go over some very basic elements with you, and we'll proceed from there.

Appearance. Take care to look your best in situations where you'll flirt. Put on the skirt and heels. Men like women that are feminine. Do your hair and wear some conservative makeup. I'd recommend something that brings out the natural redness of your lips and a gloss that makes them look moist. This sends many positive messages to guys. Stand with good posture. This shows confidence. Stand with your feet about 6-8 inches apart, with your toes turned ever so slightly in. This shows some submissiveness that many men also prefer. When sitting, always cross your legs...it's attractive. You can take the heel of your shoe off of your foot and bounce the shoe on your toes. This exposes the arch of the foot, and is a good thing. You can also wear something that exposes the neck and collar bones, as this is widely considered one of the most attractive parts of a woman.

Eyes. When flirting, it's a good idea to hold your gaze a little longer than would feel natural. Don't stare, and don't do it in a creepy way. Just hold eye contact for 6-8 seconds before averting your gaze.

Smile. It is the international symbol of friendliness. You should practice in the mirror, because most people don't actually have a very big smile, which can make it harder to perceive. You can also practice a good, coy smile. Anything you do to draw some slight attention to your mouth can be a good thing: biting your lower lip, wearing the darker lipstick (this brings out the whiteness of your teeth when you smile) or even as strong as touching your lips can be good flirtation ideas. Smile often.

Conversation. Good conversation is key to a flirtatious encounter. Make sure that you use his name in the conversation to show that you are interested. Keep conversation light: no politics, marriage, ex-significant other, odd religious conversation, too much mission conversation, or any other conversation that could cause tension. Remember, these are supposed to be light, playful, and fun interactions. Take care to be an active listener. Don't use closed body language. Comment on what he's saying to show participation and attention. Offer sincere compliments. Use open ended questions.

Touching. Touching in a relationship is as important to men as emotional connection is for women. Therefore, you have to get comfortable touching guys. The three places to touch on a first encounter would be 1) shoulder/upper arm/back 2) lower arm/top of the hand, and 3)knee (only go there when sitting...obviously). Touch each place twice before moving to the next. The first should be fleeting (you are testing the waters) and the second more lingering (now you're showing actual interest). This is something you can practice with many people to get more comfortable.

Hopefully some of these techniques and thoughts will come in handy for you. Remember that they are all natural things that merely need to be cultivated into your flirting habits. Be confident and have fun. Remember, you are a creature unlike any other! Happy flirting!

Ottis

Dear Ottis,

Throughout the entire semester I have become increasingly interested in my TA. I know that I can't pursue anything without breaking policy and jeopardizing myself and him, but I can't help the way I feel. Every time he speaks I melt a little inside. I just can't wait for class to see him. I don't think he has even noticed me and I know that he probably wouldn't act upon feels even if he had them, but I just can't get rid of the ache in my heart. I just think we would go so well together and I don't want to pass up an opportunity to be with a really great guy. What should I do.

Sincerely,

Taken by my TA

Dear Taken by my TA,

Thank you for your letter. I would tend to say that this is a familiar situation: falling for a person that may be out of reach due to policy or other issues. Its a sad part of life that sometimes the person that you want is the person that you can't have. I think that the majority of us have had that feeling: knowing that someone could be so perfect for you, and yet knowing that it probably will never happen. It can be devastatingly heartbreaking. Even I, Ottis, suffer from time to time! These situations often vary in complexity, from a good friend or classmate to a coworker or authority figure of some kind, like a TA. Learning to get over these people is one of the great challenges of life, especially when you see them on a regular basis. I would submit that one of the best things you can do is to go ahead and start dating and going out with other guys. Allow yourself to have fun. Let yourself just be friends with the guy your crushing on. It can be a hard thing at first, but as you tell your heart that this is how it's going to be, it has an incredible ability to conform. Don't get me wrong, he may always hold a special place in your heart, and you may always feel closeness to him, but your heart will heal--allowing the relationship with him to continue in a platonic way...unless you don't want to be friends. Some people try the negative approach of pointing out every fault in the person. I don't much agree with this technique (though it works) because you don't want to end up hating him and because it really just brings you down, too. Sometimes the old adage of "time heals all wounds" is the best advice to give. In time, you'll find that you're completely ready to move on and be happy. I hope that you find some kind of help in this letter.

Ottis

Dear Ottis,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend, and I’m lingering it what I believe is termed the “rebound” phase. The idea of getting out there and dating is somewhat unappealing to me, but I know it must be done. How long can I stay cooped up before once again flying the nest? And when I do, how can I get excited about dating?

Sincerely,

Bird-thing

Dear Bird-thing

Might I begin this letter by saying that I love that you call yourself Bird-thing...very interesting indeed. This is a very common question: how to get back into the dating scene. I would suggest that the sooner you get out on dates the better. Sure they'll be rather uneventful at first, and maybe even down right annoying. But, this is the fastest way for you to get over your beau. The more you can have fun and be interested in other guys, the better for you. Some call this the "rebound" phase. I like to call it going out and having fun. Nothing wrong with that. Though, I would suggest getting serious or into a relationship too quickly after is rarely a healthy idea.

As to your question about getting excited for dating. That is a more difficult one to answer. People are so different about their dating views. I'd say just go have fun. Remember, you're getting it for free! What can be better than that? Try to go out with people that you know you can have a good time with. Refrain from the pity or principle dates. Those will not help you feel better. You can re-incorporate those into your dating life a little on down the line. Just remember, it is indeed hard to let go of someone that you love. Go ahead and grieve for that. Its an important and natural part of the process. However, the faster you allow yourself to get back out there, the sooner you'll enjoy it again! So, go out and get some dates, and have a jolly old time! Happy Dating!

Ottis

Confidence...?

Today's is going to be a rather difficult post for me to write. I have been talking to several people about various issues, and it all basically comes down to the same problem: dating confidence. Therefore, I will attempt to address this issue. Note that there are many sides to this issue, and some of them may even be contradicting, but alas, we'll see what I can do.

Men. Dating confidence comes into play right at the beginning for you. After all, a man has to be confident enough to ask the girl out. I think it's important to remember that this does take confidence. . . and practice (girls, remember it does take some guts). Now, here at BYU, most of the girls have the rule about always going on at least a first date to give him a try. You would think that this would relieve some of the fear for us, but it doesn't.

Here is why.

Generally speaking, when a guy asks a girl out, he does so because he is interested. When the girl replies with her default answer of yes, it doesn't really mean anything, because its a yes out of principle. We're not actually privy to knowing whether or not the girl is interested in us in return. There is just as much pressure and insecurity going into the date as there was in asking the girl out in the first place.

Now, you may say, "that's just normal." I would submit that it is not. You see, in normal dating scenarios, the very fact that a girl deemed a guy worthy of going out with her shows that there is some interest. Indeed, that allows the guy to feel some confidence and go into the date more relaxed and more able to show his true self. But when you go into a date with no clue, it muddles things up. In terms of dating confidence, the best way to gain it for guys is just to ask girls out. No need to be awkward about it. No need to be overly creative either. Just be you. There are few things more attractive to a woman than a man with confidence. Just ask. The more unsure you seem about it as you ask, the less confident you come off. Obviously.

Women. Dating confidence for you tends to be less about personal confidence and more about how many boys ask you out on dates. After all, the more you're asked out, the more likely that you'll continue to be asked out. Many wonder why it is in wards that a select few girls are asked out by virtually every guy, while others never get asked out once. There are obviously many factors in this, but let me discuss the one of confidence.

I realize that in our society, women are raised to be self-conscious. We are all bombarded with the beautiful people on TV, movies, and magazines. Let's all be honest, only 5% of the population actually looks that good anyway. Here is what you may not know: A lot of guys don't want that kind of girl. Men don't want someone too perfect. That'll just make them feel insecure for the rest of their dating/married lives. Sure, we all talk about it, and joke, but when it all comes down to it, we want a girl that we're gonna feel comfortable with, who we still find attractive, yes, but who is at least somewhere near our league. So, take confidence in knowing that.

Many of the girls who do get asked out on a regular basis are the ones who exude the most amount of confidence. As my colleague Paxton once said, "if you don't think you're pretty, then you're probably not!" That is to say that when you don't think that you're worth dating, worth loving, worth finding that perfect someone for you, then you are merely creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, as they say. I'm not a self-help guru, so I'm not going to even attempt to tackle that mess, but suffice it to say, we all need to do what we need to do so that we can feel like attractive, desirable individuals. The more confidence you feel, the more guys will see it in you, and therefore be drawn to you.

Now, I realize that lots of you will be saying, "Gee, that's awfully idealistic. It's nice on paper, but that's just not the way that it works in real life." Well, to that I say, "You're un-confidence is showing. . ." Geeze, that's embarrassing. . . You are only as desirable and date-able as you feel. Sure, it's nice to have that confidence come from outside sources (like members of the opposite sex), but at the end of the day, confidence is a personal journey that we all need to undertake! Especially when it comes to dating confidence. So, to all of you readers, get out there. Go on dates. To quote My Big Fat Greek Wedding, "Get married, make Greek babies...you look so old!"

Dear Ottis-

First off, thank you for being selfless enough to solve other people's dating problems. You may remember me from a past life, the girl who thought that smiling nicely was pretty good flirting. Well, I'm happy to say that I have learned to flirt a little better. So this is my problem. I have a friend. For a long time (Fall-Winter semesters) we weren't really all that good of friends, mostly just like... "hey we are in the same ward, you are my home teacher." We did go out once, but then he got a girlfriend, and...yeah. So during the summer we (my friends and his friends) started hanging out more and his girlfriend was gone on a study abroad. We then became actual friends, rather than superficial friends. So... his girlfriend comes home, they break up, he immediately starts paying a lot more attention to me and asks me out and we start spending more time together. Ok all that being said, I really don't know how I feel about him. I definitely haven't ruled him out as someone to date, but at the same time, I'm not feeling that giddy butterfly feeling about this whole development. So... we're friends, we hang out, we went on a date, I'd like to see where this goes. So how do I show interest without showing interest?? I feel like my feelings could go either way at this point so I don't want to lead him on, but I also don't want him to give it up. Give me your opion, Ottis, please!!

-Stuck in the middle

Dear Stuck in the Middle,

Thank you for your letter. You are too kind :) You find yourself in a very common predicament, so don't feel like you are alone on this. In fact, I've had several conversations just recently with various people all with this common situation. I hope that I can offer some advice that will help you out.

The first thing I have to say is that you're response to his attention is very typical. Unlike men, women typically do take longer to really decide if they're interested in pursuing a type of relationship. Men usually know very quickly (since their judgement is based mostly on physical attraction). I think that the best way for you to decide whether or not you do, or could, have feelings for this fellow is to let things continue to unfold. Keep going out on dates with him, keep seeing him. Don't worry, you are not leading him on. This is a very normal part of dating. its all about getting to know each other on a more intimate level so that you can determine whether or not he'd make an ideal partner for you.

As to your question about showing interest without showing interest...that is a very difficult question to answer. The truth of the matter is you are interested in getting to know him better, and in seeing where things could go, even if that is not very far. So, show that! Show him that you want to be closer to him, that you want to get to know him more as an individual and that you are invested in that part of your relationship with him. I can guarantee that when a guy knows that you sincerely want to know him for him, and are invested in him as a person, he will grow in confidence and you'll get to see him become a better person, and what can be better than that! To do this, you need to show good open body language and engaged conversational cues. Be an active listener, show you're paying attention, ask questions. Don't sit with your arms crossed, expose your wrists to him (in a natural looking way). These are signs of openness. Keep up your good smiling! Hold his gaze a little longer than normal. These are all great natural things that show your attraction. Just make sure that you stay intuned with your thoughts through out this process. If throughout your dates you just think, I'm not really into this, then don't take too long to tell him. Be sincere and honest, and he'll respect you for it.

I just wanted to add that I since a small fear of being the rebound in the situation also. In my opinion, it doesn't feel that way to me. You developed a friendship well before. In the absence of his girlfriend he probably realized that he had some kind of feeling for you. Look at how quickly things ended with her when she got back. So, while it could be, it doesn't seem that way to me. So, keep on keeping on! Enjoy the fun you two can have together! I wish you the best!

Ottis