Dear Ottis,

I've just recently split from my boyfriend of 10 months. While there are no hard feelings and we broke up for mutual reasons, I am still very much heartbroken. We would like to continue to be friends but I'm not sure where to draw the line between just friendly hanging-out and people starting to talk behind my back like-- what the heck is she doing? Yknow what I mean?

And then in the midst of all this, how do I pick up flirting again? Personally I'm not crazy about dating people right now but I know that it is probably essential to help me move on... but I can't remember how to flirt! I've got a very strong, opinionated, loud personality and so I've had guys tell me before that I'm intimidating to ask out on dates... this one guy once told me that I come across as a maneater.

Obviously I am in need of some serious help/advice.
Thanks,
Jordan Renee


Dear Jordan Renee,

Thank you very much for you letter. I've spent some time reflecting on it, and I hope that I'll be able to offer some help/advice for you. Let me first begin by saying how sorry I am that you are hurting. Breaking up with someone after a long relationship, no matter how mutual it may have been, is always hard, heart-wrentching and painful. I wish you the best of luck as you move on in your romatic life.

Let me begin by addressing your current situation with you and your ex. Becoming friends after breaking up is one of the most challenging inter-relational challenges there are, in my opinion. The difficulty lies in effectively redefining the relationship between not only the two of you, but also for you in the various circles of friends that you both have. Let me offer a few points of advice on this. One thing of utmost importance is re-establishing rules and boundaries. You've spent ten months being more that friends. Redefining normalacy in friendship can be very hard, but is incredibly necissary. One tactic to help with this is limiting the time you spend together. This helps each of you to move on emotionally. It also helps limit the inevitable "talking behind [your] back" to which you referenced in your letter. The other important thing to do to continue your new friendship is to date other people.

I realize that dating again after a breakup seems daunting. The idea of being close to another guy unfathomable. Believe me, its gonna happen. Go ahead and get your flirt on. Flirting is a natural, subconscious, necissary part of our everyday lives. It really is just playful interatactions between members of the opposite sex, with the intimation of interest. So, go ahead, have fun and be playful, go and date. The more you date, the easier it'll be for you to reconnect with men, and the sooner you'll be able to see yourself getting interested in guys again. And hey, you get free food, movies, ice creat etc out of it...so, what could be better? :)

Regarding your maneater status. I have varied thoughts on the matter. The first thing I'd like to tell you, as that no matter how outspoken, loud, opinionated and crazy you may be...there is a guy out there that can handle it. Not only that, they'll enjoy it every step of the way. Why I don't deny that many men are attracted to a certain submissive attitude, there are many that are not. Confident is always attactive, so take pride in who you are, and don't change for anyone. I heartily believe that the only reasons people should change themselves is for personal growth and intimit spiritual progression. Otherwise, God created you to be happy in who you are. So, embrace that.

Well, this letter has turned into me rambling on. I hope that some of the thoughts that I shared will offer some insight and help in the romantic future that is to come for you. Remember, the right guy is still out there and looking for you. Just live your life with no regrets, and in a manner where you can be worthy of his companionship (and we'll pray he is doing the same). I wish you all the best. Feel free to write back for more advice or for clarifiaction on what I've written here.

Thanks,
Ottis