Dear Ottis-

I've recently begun grad school and am really enjoying my year.  It's been a nice change for me.  I'm in a family ward now and I'm a primary teacher for the 6 and 7 year olds.  Thus, I'm not around a lot of single students anymore.  In conflict to it being a nice change, it also means I'm not moving toward dating or marriage. I realize that's a rather obvious outcome, but I think that I need to change more about myself before just being around singles will work for me (i.e. will end up in me actually dating). I'm realizing that I need to be more active in this area of my life, and it is for that reason that I want to ask you a question. You can be totally honest. As a strong, confident, independent woman, what kind of impression ought I to give to men.  I don't really date much, which doesn't horribly bother me, but sometimes bothers me- have you seen the April Ensign yet? It's about marriage. Anyways, it made me all emotional and I realized that I need to do something. Is there anything off-putting I may do or anything that I should do more of, etc. You are one of the more observant men I know, so I thought I'd ask you. 

I hope all is well,
Confused Grad Student




Dear Confused Grad Student,


I appreciate your letter.  I've spent a good amount of time thinking and pondering about how to best answer it.  I hope that what I have to say will be of some use or help to you.  Please note that most of the things I have to say are generalizations.  They may not totally work for you or with the guys around you, but I think they are pretty good rules of thumb.


Let me begin by saying that I don't think there is anything wrong with being an independent, confident, strong type gal.  In fact, I think that in today's society it's even important to have some of these qualities.  However, it also becomes necessary to learn to balance these traits with the more traditional feminine traits (ie. caring, nurturing, submissive, thoughtful, and patient) so as to not overly intimidate the men that you come in contact with.  This becomes very possible when there is a shift in mindset and an understanding that the feminine traits are not those of weakness, but rather God given traits that show ones inner strength and confidence.  So, embrace them.  


Now, you may ask why you should have to do this.  Men are biologically attracted to women that portray traits of motherhood.  They're subconsciously looking for the future mother of their offspring.


Here are some practical techniques you could employ to showcase some of these characteristics without loosing your sense of independence and confidence.  When you're standing with a guy, have your toes slightly turned in (in heels of course) to show some submissiveness.  When you're talking to a guy, try to take an interest in his life and his interests to show your caring side.  Be patient with his quirks and idiosyncratic mannerisms.  Men are quirky and. . . dumb, so patience will be very important.  Also take care to remember things that he tells you.  Talking about big events coming up or past: his birthday, his goals, his history, his family, or anything that defines him as an individual are prime examples of things to remember.  Recalling these things in future conversations is a great way to show your thoughtful side.  I can't begin to say how flattering and attractive it is to have a woman that remembers the simple things.  It shows a real sincerity.  Lastly, show your nurturing side.  For me, this can be done by being physical.  Remember the touching rules that have been discussed in other postings.  Touching is essential in flirting for men.  So, feel free to touch.  Also, give praise and be uplifting (you might note that it's like dealing with a child. . . well, that's not so far from the truth).


I think that if you were to pair these ideas with the flirting techniques you already employ (or with other techniques that have been shared through other Dear Ottis letters) and also with a great sense of humor, then you'll find an increase in flirtative response.  I wish you the best of luck in your flirting endeavors!  Please feel free to email me with other questions.


Ottis