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Monday, November 2, 2009

Sleepless Nights

Last night was one of my usual sleepless nights. As 1:00am rolled around, I figured I'd go on my traditional late-night drive. I planned to head over to the canyon and drive around. As this was my usual routine, I felt totally comfortable with it. So, I threw on my hoodie and a some sandals and headed down the stairs. This insignificant excursion of energy, however, caused some pretty heavy coughing. Was I not getting better? I thought this was why I was on antibiotics and codine...

I got into my car, turned on the lights, and backed out of my tight spot. I had become accustomed to taking my time backing out of my column lined parkin' hole under the Dev after almost hitting my side mirror and knocking if off several times. I left the parking garage and headed towards University Ave. The streets were empty. A subtle mist had crept over Provo, and it was like being in the cheap horror movie that I had treated myself to watching just the night before. As I pulled onto University Ave I noticed one other car in the area...a police car. I cautiously pulled onto the road and preceded at a leisurely pace. I had my usual nerves of seeing a police officer, but hey, I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I was fine.

As I continued down the street listening to the smash hit "So What" by Pink. Then, as I was doing my usual looking-in-my-mirrors game, I noticed the police officer pulling a U-turn and following me. What's this all about? I was stricken with horror. "Just keep going 30, just keep going 30, you'll be fine," I said to myself out loud. Then, to continue on with the horror, on went his lights. I pulled right over in utter confusion. "I wasn't speeding was I? I stopped at the light, right...?" were the thoughts racing through my mind. I would also like to note that I actually pulled over off the street. Something that for some reason Utahns don't find the need to do. They just stop right in the middle of the street. But, that's a whole other posting.

As I sat there, my dad's words of advice came to my mind: "When you get pulled over, you just get out of your car and go talk to him." Well, this sounded ridiculously foolish, since when he does that they usually pull their guns on him. Rather, I unrolled my window, and put my hands on my steering wheel.

"How are you doing tonight?" the police officer asked casually.

"Um, pretty good..." I responded in apparent bewilderment.

"Can I see your driver's licences, vehicle registration and proof of insurance, please?" he asked politely.

"Oh, ya," I said in obvious fear. "Sorry, I've never ever been pulled over before, I don't really know what I'm doing..." I mumbled as I looked for my registration and insurance cards. I was so devastated that I had been pulled over. "Is there some kind of problem, officer?" I asked as I tried to think of what Judge Judy would do. I mean, I now know never to sell a car to family or loan money to friends, but she's never talked about what to do in this case!

"You've never been pulled over? Wow, good for you!" The officer exclaimed in what appeared to be a sincere tone. "What are you doing out so late?" he questioned.

"Oh, I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd just go for a drive." I responded.

"Ok, well, I'll be right back with these," and he was off, back to his car.

Suddenly the words of Paramore came rushing in...not because of some poetic lyric that perfectly described my sentiment at that very moment, but because I realized that I forgot to turn down my radio when the officer came. "Judge Judy would crucify me for this...stupid!" I thought to myself as I sheepishly turned down the radio. As I sat there in my horror, I noticed that for some reason the once empty roads were now filled with people. People judging me. People laughing and pointing their fingers at me. Shame.

After what seemed like an eternity the officer finally came back. "Well son, you're front left headlight is out, so you should probably go get that fixed as soon as possible."

That was it? My whole never being pulled over record was tarnished because my headlight was out? Wow. Utter nonsense. "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I'll get that fixed asap. I'll head home right now so there won't be any problems."

As I pulled away, and turned back up the radio to drown out the ridiculous replaying of the events in my head, I was surprised to hear a familiar melody. Indeed, Alanis Morissette, queen of all angry music, was on the radio. "Well, isn't this just ridiculously fitting," I thought to myself. I quickly parked my car, ran up the stairs, jumped into bed and thought to myself, "This has been a month unlike any other: H1N1, pneumonia, getting pulled over for my first time, but...such is life!"


  1. I can't believe he didn't tell you what he was pulling you over for. That's ridiculous! But still funny. No ticket?

  2. Oh lee I love your blog and you! :) guess what? I still have never been pulled over. one more reason why i am so great-so sorry you have been tainted now. :) :)

  3. I have been pulled over a lot no worries. It's not anything to be ashamed of...well maybe it is but whatever. Your blog is hilarious as usual.

  4. holy frickin' crap... i love your writing style.