The Unconventional Thanksgiving

This year I have had an unconventional thanksgiving; I wasn't able to go home and celebrate with my family, nor  have the traditional meal (I made myself a great huge breakfast for dinner). And so, I want to make an unconditional list of things I'm thankful for. 

Confessions from a Food-aholic

As Thursday afternoon approaches, I can feel my heart clenching tighter and tighter. I sit in my office--working busily on the computer--and can feel the perspiration on my hands getting more and more intense. I slowly close down my computer, get off my aerobic ball on which I'm bouncing, balancing, and eating my string cheese, and head out of my office. I make my way through a maze of hallways and doors and enter a small and vacant room. There is a small circle of chairs, and I take my place. Group therapy is about to begin.

A Journey to the Unknown

Last week was one of the more interesting weeks of my life. It involved the ER, the BYU Police, lock-down units, cattle herding, delusions, homeless people and lots of talks to the bishop. Allow me to explain...

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart's longing

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.

I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life's betrayals,

or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,

mine or your own,

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to your own soul;

if you can bear the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul,

if you can be faithless,

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty

even when it is not pretty every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know if you can life with failure,

yours or mine,

and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the sliver of the moon,

"Yes!"

It doesn't interest me 

to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair,

weary and bruised to the bone,

and do what needs to be done

to feel the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand 

in the center of the fire with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep 

in the empty moments.

Summer of Firsts: The Campout

For those of you who know me, I'm not exactly new to camping. I grew up in the scouting program of the Boy Scouts of America; I went to scout camp, got my Eagle Scout Award by the age of 14, went to High Adventure camps and did the works. Throw in the two to three family camping trips we've done ever year since I was 5 and that's a decent amount of camping. But, this was a camping trip unlike any I've been on.

Dear Ottis

Last night I was looking on my husband's phone at pictures of the cat and stuff. He was right next to me. In there I found a picture of underwear and a nice bra from Victoria's Secret. This underwear, which was clearly not my size, was laid out nicely on my living room floor, like it was a trophy - as if he were excited to show this picture to someone. My first instinct was to stand up, call my parents, and have them come get me. But instead, I stood up walked away and took a few breaths. When I came back, he lied and said they were for me. I knew they weren't, and said if he didn't tell me the truth, I would leave. He lied again, and said they were for his ex, but that he returned them without sending them. I continued to stand my ground and say I knew he was lying. I said if he didn't tell me the truth I was going to leave right then. He told me that he had bought it for his ex, because she'd texted him saying the kids needed new pajamas and underwear -- and so did she. He took the picture and sent it to her, as well as the over $100 of underwear in the package. I have to beg for his affection most times. He has bought me flowers once. I'm at a point where I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted that I live with someone who would do that behind my back and then try to lie to me about it. 

Last night, I saw him cry numerous times, saying over and over that he didn't know what is wrong with him. He knows he has problems, and he doesn't know what to do about them. He has depression issues and ADD, and he takes medication for both. I know he didn't mean to hurt me and that he loves me, but at the same time I just keep feeling more and more sad about this. Do you think I should make it work, when I know he is very sorry for this and wants more than anything for me to stay. Or do I take this as the last red flag of many and just get out before it's too late? I'M AT A TOTAL LOSS! I honestly have never felt like this before.

I need your help Ottis,
Cat is out of Victoria's Secret Bag

Kelly Clarkson and Breakups

Has anyone noticed that Kelly Clarkson is like the perfect person to listen to when you go through a break up? She covers everything that you go through, she hits every emotion, and does it with just the right amount of anger and passion. Well, at least for me. So, I thought I'd tell a little story using her music. Hope you enjoy it!