Do you have a question about relationships and flirting?

You can email me about any of your relationship and flirtation questions, and I'll be happy to address them in my blog. Won't that be fun! Its very Dear Abby, but hey...I'm just as good as she is! Just put "Dear Ottis" in the subject. Make sure your letters are annoymous though, to protect you and me. Send all questions to

Friday, May 27, 2011

Dear Ottis-

So, I met this way awesome guy a little while ago and we were able to spend a lot of time together to get to know one another; we really enjoyed being around one another and it was obvious to us and everyone around us. There were some barriers that prevented us from being able to date, but we finally decided to go for it anyway and we had a blast together! We knew we would, and so we were laid back around one another and could be completely ourselves. I went home at the end of the semester to visit family and ended up staying a little longer than originally anticipated. We kind of communicated for a little while when I was home, but then I didn't hear from him until I got back and texted him first, simply asking how everything was going. Long story short, he was worried to disrupt things going on back home with me, but he did say he had been wondering how I was. 

After our last date, he said he'd be seeing me soon since we had so much fun together, but now that I'm back, I haven't seen him, and it's been nearly a month and a half. As I said earlier, I contacted him first and we texted back and forth for a couple of days and I finally asked him when I would get the chance to see him again and his answer was quite vague. He merely said, "soon!" 

Perhaps some may view that as still hopeful, but to me, that's the thing you say to someone you don't really want to see. "We'll have to do that someday." You know how it is, those kinds of responses, those empty promises...So anyway, I let a few days go by and never heard from him again, so I just texted seeing how everything was going and he never responded. People get caught up with work and such and forget to respond, so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I let a few more days pass on and sent another text asking how he was, but he never responded. 

Now, I decided to give up on the man because I felt I had been giving him the benefit of the doubt quite a bit. He's got a phone, he knows I'm back in town, yet, he's done nothing. However, I discovered the other day that my phone has been having problems and I haven't received texts from some people, so I can't help but wonder if he perhaps tried to text and I never got it? I do hate to give up on something that has so much potential. He was different and I wanted to see where it would lead. I don't want to look back on life and regret letting him "be the one that got away," and I'm confused because we had so much fun together. He made it quite clear he was interested from the very beginning and throughout our time together. Things do happen, I know. Perhaps he's no longer interested? I just don't want to miss out on something that could have been so great, but I don't know if I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt too much? I kind of see it as this: He has a phone. He knows I'm back. If he sent a text and I didn't respond, he could actually dial my number and talk to me. 

He doesn't seem like a phone person, so...? Like I said, this guy is awesome and I really don't want to miss out on something great, but I don't want to come off pathetic and desperate by clinging to something that isn't there, refusing to see the oh, so obvious elephant in the room. Do I need to get over my pride and text once more? Or am I not seeing the facts in front of me and need to move on?

Help me, Ottis Wan-Kenobi. You're my only hope.

--Romantically Retarded

Dear Romantically Retarded-

I appreciate your letter and have spent much time contemplating my response.  I hope that my response will provide some help for you as you search for your own personal answer.  First off, let me begin by saying how sorry I am that you find yourself in such a frustrating situation.  Believe me though, you are not the first.  He really does sounds like an excellent guy.

First and foremost, let me begin by saying that I/we can never really know what happened in this situation without talking to him.  There is a great plethora of possibilities here.  Did he just get super busy? Maybe.  Did he become completely dis-interested? Could be.  Did life/work catch up with him and make things impossible for him to continue? Who knows.  At the end of the day, we just don't know what happened (unless you chose to call him and find out what exactly happened).

That being said, here is my advice for you: let him go.  He may have been interested, he may have wanted more.  It doesn't really matter any more.  He's a man, if he wants to see you or talk to you or contact you, then he will do it.  Continuously texting him when he really isn't interested will just make matters worse.  This is definitely one of those situations where I think it would be beneficial for you to be emotionally detached.  If he were to contact you and ask you out, then grand.  But he hasn't.  Regardless of whether he might or never will in the future, you need to move on.

It is abundantly clear in your letter that you have become quite attached to him.  Or rather, the thought of being with him.  And therein lies the problem.  After having been on only one or two dates, you are by no means emotionally connected or attached.  Indeed, I often give the advice of 3 dates before any decision of real interest must be made.  So, making more and more excuses for him puts you in a state of delusion and him on a pedestal.  Neither of which are positive places to be...for either of you.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Is there a chance that he is still interested and something in life is preventing him from contacting you?  Sure.  I don't see why not.  I certainly have times in my life where things just get way to busy and I push aside everything else, including those that I love.  So, it remains a possibility.  What I'm telling you is that either way, it doesn't matter and it doesn't change where your emotional state should be.  Keep yourself emotionally strong.

I wish you well in your flirtatious and dating adventures in the future.  Remember that its all about having fun.  Not about being stressed for no reason.  Good luck!


1 comment:

  1. THANK YOU! Lee, I have always loved your advice. You're straightforward and brilliant!